I will hold myself to a standard of grace, not perfection. ‘Perfect’ is unattainable, we can only be better than we were yesterday and hope that is enough …
~ Teachings of Jylne – First Coruscation~
We are taught early on to acknowledge our imperfections. Like most enemies they must be understood to be overcome. My failure in paladin training forced me to come to terms with my physical limitations and find a new path to travel. Mental and emotional deficiencies and abnormalities, those can be more difficult to define and work upon and I, despite my years in the temple have no shortage of them.
Anger. Often misplaced and irrational. It is so much easier to embrace anger than it is to admit confusion, sadness, or incompetence. When I feel out of my element I turn to anger to push me through the situation. Gareth says that it is my chief weakness and that … no. Said. Past tense. I will have to get used to referring and thinking of them in the past tense now won’t I? Gareth, my other companions, they are well and truly gone. All of them are gone. Friends. Family. My king. For perhaps the first time in my life I am unfettered.
Even writing this I feel the urge to let go of any pain that thought might cause me and embrace anger instead. Anger at these strangers who have questions instead of answers. On some level anger toward my goddess, for if truly she had a hand in this as the appearance of her avatar yesterday seems to suggest … why? Why me and not one of the others who are assuredly more worthy of being saved? Why this place and time? Why simply leave and give no other words or sign? What am I supposed to do now?
She would not begrudge me these questions and would likely answer them if she could. But the resentment burning under them? Well, just writing this has lessened that and it will fade in time as well.
They have been kind enough to offer me food and their company in this place. I will focus on being appropriately grateful for their assistance and do my best to be useful as I adjust to this new life. I will be better than I was yesterday … there is something to be said for starting with an incredibly low bar…